Review: Brain Damage

Brain Damage inevitably falls into the so bad it's good category ala Troll 2 or say The Toxic Avenger. This splatter piece is brought to us by none other than director Frank Henelotter of Basket Case cult fame. The effects are cheesy and the acting terrible, but it does have a loveable little villain and plenty of blood. So it does have some endearing qualities to it after all.


                                     The face of horror and comedy

*Spoilers Ahead*

The film starts off with an old couple who arrive home with some brains from the butcher shop. What for you ask? Well none other than our pint sized villain Aylmer. See they've been keeping him in their bathtub and feeding him animal brains (which by the way he needs to survive), while he takes care of them. Namely with a drug he secrets and it keeps them high as a couple of kites. Quite an addictive little substance I must say. Although it doesn't quite make sense that he looks like a little brain / slug and yet he needs brains to survive? Isn't that like saying humans need to eat humans to survive? Oh well. Who cares. Any who, the old lady goes to feed him and lo and behold, he's gone. She quite humorlessly screams over and over again. Geez! Calm down old bag. In the next, and quite hilarious scene, the old couple then proceeds to tear apart their own apartment whilst looking for the beloved Aylmer. All while screaming. Ok then. We then shoot on over to their neighbors apartment, Brian. His annoying girlfriend shows up so they can go to a concert, but Brian isn't looking or feeling to well. She goes off, with his brother  while he decides to get some rest at home. That bitch! Well he's in for a treat, because he wakes up in a pool of blood and starts hallucinating. He then finds a strange little hole on the back of his neck. Strangely, this hasn't freaked him out yet, because he somehow knows someone or something is in the bathroom with him. Then bam! Our little turd shaped villain Aylmer shows up. slaps on the charm, and has himself a new and quite dumb host.


                                        Does she like what she sees?

The movie basically revolves around these two and their symbiotic relationship. Brian gets the drug, while Aylmer gets the brains. See, I guess he likes real human brains rather than the animal stuff. Kind of like vampires and rats right? Right. They wander around the city and many gruesome and comically long deaths occur. One such death is the famous fellatio scene at the Goth club. He got some head and so did Aylmer. You'll just have to watch and see. It all starts going downhill when Brian starts getting suspicious about bloody clothes and not being able to remember much. Not necessarily a sign of a good night. Brian's girlfriend and brother  are trying to help him, but will they be able to save him? Can he resist the cute little Aylmer's overtures for brains? You'll have to watch and see.

            
                                Brian be tripping on some brain juice ya'll

I must say that all in all it's not too bad. But, I think one needs plenty of booze, pot, or just a great sense of humor to enhance the psychedelic feel of this flick. The acting and dialogue is generally terrible, but we still have Aylmer. He is the shining star of this film. His smile, his singing. Yes, singing, are all very endearing. Unfortunately the death scenes go on far too long. Although nice and gory, it could have worked better with slightly less time consumed, and maybe more on who or what Aylmer is. The old man explains a little, but it still makes no damn sense. The effects, as I said before, are pretty cheesy, and are actually probably pretty good for the time and budget.  Also there is a nice cameo from Duane Bradley of Basket Case fame. I liked it and would definitely recommend this film be watched at least once. 3/5 skulls gore lovers.


                                   This French poster is way cooler in my opinion.

Review: Masters of Horror: Pro-Life

In this second season episode Pro-Life, John Carpenter again brings his horror directorial chops to the series. This evil embryo story was penned by 'Cigarette Burns' writing duo Scott Swan and Drew McWeeny. The second season was far less superior to the first, and this episode is a prime example of why. Bad acting, awful writing, and at times comical effects make for quite a bad episode.


                         Alex tries to explain he's a doctor, not an exorcist.

The story follows young Angelique (Caitlin Wachs) as she escapes her religious zealot father Dwayne (Ron Perlman) and tries to rid herself of the unborn child she carries. She's thoroughly convinced she carries a demon child inside her. Should could have gotten that idea because she was pulled down into the earth and raped by the devil as she recounts later in the story. Maybe? Luckily she literally runs into Dr. O'Shea, who just happens to work at the abortion clinic down the road who nearly runs her down with his car. She is taken to the highly fortified clinic to have a checkup after nearly being turned into a pancake by the kind doctor. Alright, just go with it. When her ecclesiastical father (who is no stranger to the abortion clinic) arrives, he is none too happy about his daughter being in the place he considers an unholy abomination. With God's words mysteriously ringing in his head, he and his three sons proceed to assault the clinic with weapons in hand to get Angelique back. Rational religion at it's best people. The clinic wont go down without a fight though, as the head of the clinic Dr. Kiefer (Bill Dow) will see to. Due to numerous harassment's and threats from Dwayne, the clinic is stocked up with guns and ammunition to deal with imminent threats such as the one being played out now. Bullets will fly and people shall die my friends, oh I promise you that. All this is going down while Angelique's accelerated and very evil pregnancy results in the quite comical and gory birth of some sort of mutant demon baby. Maybe something the clinic is not used to? All of these events culminate into an all out war. Complete with some brutal deaths, a lot of unnecessary screaming, and possibly the devil himself. What more could you want? Well let me tell you, a lot more my friends.

                          Dwayne wants in the abortion clinic it seems.

I must say this episode was a bit of a chore to sit through. The acting for the most part is terrible and or mediocre at best. Ron Perlman as the religious nut Dwayne is the only saving grace. No pun intended. He doesn't have too much scenery to chew on, but when he is on screen he always manages to command attention. Mark Feuerstein as  Dr. Alex tries to be believable as best he can, but in the end it just doesn't work for me. All Angelique does is scream and look scared. When she does speak, it's almost cringe worthy.

         What this is, not sure. It's supposed to be a demon baby me thinks.

Now the terrible dialogue might have something to do with the wooden acting. A major step down from the terrific 'Cigarette Burns' script. The lines are delivered with gusto from some of the actors, but not even the fine resume from Bill Dow can save his portrayal as Dr. Kiefer from being down right laughable. The directing from Carpenter is fine, but nothing special. Unfortunately his experience can't even garner decent performances from most of the cast.

The practical effects at times can be somewhat laughable. This is due to fake looking prosthetic and a rubber suit. The CGI effects are alright for the most part, but nothing really special. I did quite enjoy an inventive scene involving an abortion machine and a male recipient courtesy of Dwayne. The episode does show some blood and guts, while trying to gross out in others, but it all feels very contrived.

All in all it's one of the weakest episodes of the entire series. It's one of those stories that with the right time, actors, and writing could have been awesome, but it just failed on too many levels here. I can't recommend, but watch if you must. And if only for a few laughs. 1 1/2 skulls.

Review: Masters of Horror: Cigarette Burns

John Carpenter directs the 8th episode from the Masters of Horror series, Cigarette Burns. A reference to cue marks in a film reel in case you didn't know. You tend to have high hopes when Carpenter is attached to anything horror, and fortunately in this case he does not disappoint. The episode concerns the finding and viewing of one of the most infamous movies of all time. La Fin Absolue du Monde (Translated: The Absolute End of the World). Legend has it that anyone who watches the movie goes mad and becomes enraged with the desire to kill. Others or themselves. The insane don't discriminate. Sounds like a fun time over some popcorn.
 
                                                See much sun creepy guy.

The episode follows movie aficionado Kirby (Norman Reedus) on his quest to find the mythical movie for the rich and spectacularly eccentric rare movie collector Mr. Bellinger (Udo Kier). Eccentric in the way that has you chain up what looks to be a wingless angel in your house and claim it is a prop from the film.Yeah, that kind of eccentric. Kirby is deep in debt to his late wife's father and in order to keep his struggling movie theater afloat he requests 200,000 from Mr. Bellinger to find the lost print. He is very skeptical about the movie, but he soon learns that he is in for more than he could have ever imagined. He begins having strange visions of his late wife and seeing cigarette burns randomly. Or he took too much DMT. Either or. It's revealed that his wife and him were junkies at one point and she committed suicide for some reason. A damaged survivor from a screening who is writing a 10,000 page (there's just too much to say) review gives him a recording of an interview he did with the director regarding the movie. Things only start getting stranger and bloodier for Kirby. It seems strange (or maybe not so strange) that nobody wants him to find the movie and these baddies attempt to stop him by whatever means necessary. He blacks out and some people end up very dead. He finally does find the last surviving print with the help of the late directors wife Katja. Hell, she wasn't to get rid of the cursed thing. Can you blame her? He delivers it as promised to our crazy friend Mr. Bellinger. The rare movie buff and apparently the weird butler make the unfortunate choice to ignore the talk of death and view the bizarre film. At the behest of Mr. Bellinger, Kirby returns to his house and sees the aftermath and carnage of his ill advised venture into movie madness. In the end it all culminates into more brutal deaths, surreal visions of the dead wifey, and an interesting ending involving the pale and strange wingless being we see earlier in the episode.

          Kirby sees a cigarette burn while listening to some smooth jams.

John Carpenter directs the episode well enough and I quite like what he did with this episode. The theme of watching or reading something that will make you insane is very lovecraftian and had previously surfaced in his brilliant film "In the Mouth of Madness". He captures such madness from his characters and many scenes have an eerie surrealism vibe going on. Is it a dream? Your not quite sure what's going on until the end, and even then you can't be sure. All this while still throwing in some nice gore and bloodletting. this episode is more creepy than bloody, but there is a particularity nice beheading scene in the last third of the film. I have to applaud Mr.Carpenter for combining all of those feats very well.

                         Kaspar gets up close and personal with Kirby

I must say Norman Reedus's performance as Kirby was just ok for me. I loved him Boondock Saint's, but here the acting is just mediocre and somewhat bland. I know he can do better though. Fortunately it takes nothing away from the story or my interest thereof. The lovely Gwynyth Walsh as the infamous director's wife was pretty good. Not too much screen time though so I can't say too much. The two standouts for me were the over the top Udo Kier as Mr. Bellinger and Taras Kostyuk as the psycho director Kaspar. Udo Kier is basically awesome in almost anything he does and his accent only adds to his lovable eccentricities and odd persona. Here he plays very well wit the material and has and underlying tone of creepiness. His death scene is just pretty funny as well. Then you have Taras Kostyuk. The (german?) weirdo, s&m maybe, psychopath director of in the moment death and extreme images. He too has a love for La Fin Absolue du Monde, and even has some stills from the movie which he shows Kirby after filming a brutal death of his own. Even though he is only on screen for a short time he makes the best of it and delivers some good lines and exudes a strong on screen presence.

                                    Kirby is looking a little out of it.

All in all I thought the episode was very solid. One of my favorites from the series. It was definitely an interesting premise I must say. Angel mutilation, a movie that drives you insane, and throw in a little human guilt. It surprisingly all works very well together and kept me captivated throughout. I highly recommend to horror fans of all creeds. 4/5 skulls

Review: Masters of Horror: Sick Girl

A disturbing tale of two lovelorn ladies and a parasitic and deadly bug is told in this Masters of Horror installment Sick Girl. "May" director Lucky McKee is on to direct this time and brings on the star of that film Angela Bettis. She wonderfully plays the quirky and awkward entomologist Ida. The episode is based off of a short story written by Sean Hood who did the screenplay for Halloween: Resurrection. Ok, so not his finest moment, but this story is well crafted and interesting. Plus anything with bugs and horror usually creeps me out, as well as many others.


                                     Ida looks dumbfounded by a bug.

The story follows the bug obsessed entomologist Ida and her problems with love. She soon has a new problem though. A mysterious package has arrived at her apartment with a new exotic and aggressive insect species. While she aims to learn what this new bug is and who it came from, she keeps it locked up in a container. Unfortunately not well enough because the insect (which she named Mick in a nod to series creator) escapes and turns a neighbors dog into lunch. It then uses the remains as a nest inside Ida's pillow. Ummmm......bugs in beds gives me the creeps! She finally does meet her true love in the quiet and shy artist Misty (Erin Brown). Misty has been drawing pictures of Ida as a fairy in the lobby of her work for some while. No, not creepy at all. Things start getting stranger and stranger. Misty's behavior is becoming increasingly erratic. Could this have anything to do with her disgustingly infected ear? Nah. Ida still can't find the escaped bug Mick and is becoming more and more disturbed by Misty's strange behavior. Something strange is afoot. Meanwhile Ida's landlord doesn't approve of her lifestyle and her obsession with bugs. So things are getting a bit out of control for our female lead here. In the end Ida does find out who the bug came from and what it is up to, as well as what is wrong with her lover Misty.......the hard way.


       Ida and Max discuss her love problems. What about the escaped bug?

Angela Bettis is great in her role here as the serious and unloved scientist Ida. A stark contrast from her starring and creepy role in director Lucky McKee's film "May" (which I also loved). She manages to capture the emotions of the sad loner very well, while still maintaining a humorous cynicism to her. I've heard some people say that her voice is annoying, but it didn't bother me a bit. I thought it was perfect fit for the her character. Erin Brown as Misty exudes tons of sex and seductiveness in her role as Ida's shy lover. She is a veteran of soft core films so it's not a stretch. Given that, she also has no problem with nudity as seen in this episode. I thought she was very good and played shy, sexy, and crazy all equally well. I also quite liked Ida's colleague Max, played humorlessly by sex minded Jesse Hlubik. He's always asking for details about Ida's sex life for his pleasure. Although he affectionately gives her the advice...."Babes or bugs. You can't have both" in an effort to help her get a girl. Landlady Lana Beasley (Marcia Bennett) does a fine job as well playing the wicked old woman, who in some cases you almost feel sorry for. Don't worry, she gets hers.


                                                Misty is not looking good.

While not a particularly gory episode, there are some funny scenes and a few creepy parts, so in that way it worked great. Merging comedy and horror is no easy task. Just ask other writers and directors from the Master of Horror series. This episode will give you the willies frequently, and especially if you don't like bugs, particularly killer bugs for that matter. The insect design was well done and the CGI worked fine in the parts that it was used. I was a little disappointed with a death at the end in terms of makeup and gore, but the other parts involving Misty's ear makeup were very well done and pretty gross. The story will keep you invested and guessing until the end. The twist, which is par for the course in any horror anthology series, was pretty cool as well. I would definitely recommend this episode. 3 (1/2) / 5 skulls.

Review: Masters Of Horror: Jenifer

From the canceled too soon horror anthology series Masters of Horror, Italian king of blood Dario Argento directs the scares in the lovely episode "Jenifer". Steven Weber who stars in this episode adapted the tale from a "Creepy" comic book story originally written by Bruce Jones. This episode is one of my favorite episodes due to the interesting story, subject matter, gore, and use of liberal nudity. Jenifer's terrifying allure will keep you thoroughly captivated and the ending twist will leaving you wanting more.


                                       Those eyes are just damm creepy.

Our tale starts when Detective Frank Spivey (Steven Weber) happens upon a man leading a tied up young woman to a secluded location for who knows what. The disheveled man lifts a meat cleaver to end this woman's life and Frank is forced to shoot him. Before the man dies he utters the words "Jenifer". Those words will turn out to be quite prophetic as our lead will find out. Frank unties the woman and is greeted by her horribly disfigured face. Huge black eyes, a huge deformed mouth filled with sharp teeth, and yet the body of a goddess. A strange mixture indeed. This is Jenifer (Carrie Anne Fleming). Frank is disgusted but seems somehow intrigued. Jenifer huddles against him and whimpers as if some innocent thing that has been abused. We soon learn that Jenifer is more than we know or may ever know. Frank soon becomes obsessed with thoughts of this strange woman and is ultimately consumed by visions of her day and night. He takes her from a mental institution and has her stay with him and his family. People do that right? Things starts to go very bad for him and others when Jenifer starts craving an appetite for flesh. People and animals will fall victim to her and we find that nobody is safe. He tries to get rid of her time and time again after each bloody event but he just can't seem to do it. She has this sort of dark enchantress vibe going on and she has no qualms about using sex to her advantage in this situation. Frank is helpless to her sexual overtures and ends up losing his family, job, house, and possibly his sanity all while Jenifer gleefully murders and devours victims. A true love story right.....Will Frank be able to break the spell and release himself from this succubus, or wil he end up another one of her victims?


                                      Jenifer finds herself a midnight snack.

Steven Weber did a great job here with his slow descent into near madness and alcoholism to cope with the madness going on around him. He really makes you believe his plight and I hope to see more of him in horror films in the future. Carrie Anne Fleming as Jenifer I must say does a phenomenal job here. While she isn't able to do much with her face due to the makeup, she makes up for with raw energy and body movements. Very cat like I would say. Carrie is able convey a lot of emotion with very little effort and that's quite a feat given she doesn't speak one word. There are some other minor characters that are fine, but they are all pretty much all interchangeable due to Carrie and Steven strongly carrying the episode.


                             Jenifer and Frank having an intimate moment.

Dario Argento does a good job with directing this episode. He brings us back to what he knows best. Blood and gore. He doesn't pull any punches here. The blood and intestines flow frequently from everyone and everything. He also manages to capture great performances here by Steven and Carrie, although he does that well most of the time with his actors. Steven Weber did also did a good job with adapting the story to a teleplay. The story moves quickly and keeps you involved to the very end. While there are no particular kills that stand out because you really only see the aftermath, they are all well done and gory fun. Most people are a little disturbed by a particular animals death, but I find it a fitting start to the bloodshed. Unfortunately there was also a scene cut out involving some castration that peaks interest, however you can see it on the DVD.

                        Jenifer left a little leftovers for Frank. How nice.

Overall this is one of the best episodes from the entire series in my opinion. We get a good story and direction, plenty of blood, some beautiful nudity, and good acting. What more can you want? Argento did return for the second season to direct "Pelts" which is a good episode as well. Though it would have been nice to see him return for a third season, but alas, maybe another time and place. Be sure to check this one out my friends. 4/5 skulls.

Movie Review: The Beyond

Here we have the second movement to gore master Lucio Fulci's death trilogy symphony. The Beyond takes us into a world of ghosts, zombies, and to the gates of hell itself. How's that for a vacation? The film delves beyond (no pun intended) the zombies and gore itself and tries to tell a story about the fine line between life and death , although the blood does flow frequently as well. The film has gained cult status from gore hounds since it's bloody inception even though it was heavily censored on the original US import in 1983. Blood and guts aficionado Quenton Tarintino acquired the distribution rights from Grindhouse Releasing and in 1998 re-released the film here in the US uncensored for midnight showings. Nice. In 2000 it was finally released on DVD by Anchor Bay Entertainment for your viewing pleasure.

                                       Not creepy at all. I'd stay there.......

The beginning of the film starts in 1927 Louisiana at a desolate and creepy hotel. An angry mob of locals shows up and accuses the local warlock Schweick (Antoine Saint-John) of cursing the town forever. Every podunk town has a crazy warlock right? As the mob unmercifully beats him he explains.."He's the only one that can save them from the gates of hell". We learn later in the movie that the hotel was built over one of the seven gateways to hell, so his statement makes a little more sense. Sounds like a nice place to live. His cries fall on deaf ears because they drag him to the basement and crucify him. He's ultimately and mercifully killed when they pour boiling hot paint (?) on him. This scene is inter cut with a young woman (Cinzia Monreale) reading a book named "Eibon" in what looks like the living room of the same hotel. I think. If so, she was oblivious to a murder going on in close proximity. Nice girl though. As she reads the passages, the book explains...."Woe be unto him who opens one of the seven gateways to Hell, because through that gateway, evil will invade the world" before shooting a flame out of the pages into her face. And yes, you can expect this confusing stuff throughout the whole movie.

                        The undead warlock Schweick looking pretty creepy and kind of undead.     

We then cut to modern day (1981) Louisiana were our female lead Liza (Catriona MacColl) has inherited the cursed hotel. From who you ask? Who the hell knows. She's a tough New York broad though, so she can handle a hotel of death right? Strange things starts happening and people start dying very fast after the plumber accidentally opens the portal to hell by picking away a piece of the basement wall. Good to know all that separates us and the fiery pits is some water logged wall that you can tear apart with your bare freaking hands. Curiosity killed the cat...and not surprisingly Joe the plumber as well. After the maid finds his mutilated eyeless corpse, she also find the water logged Schweick floating there. He looks surprising well for a almost 60 year old corpse. They both end up in the creepy and well lit morgue which is the setting for various cool scenes later on. The male lead Dr. John McCabe is played here by the charismatic David Warbeck. A young Jack Nicholson look a like and exudes a similar confidence. He has to handle all of these corpses that are piling up and while he's at it starts up a flirtatious friendship with Liza. We're introduced to the strange yet pretty blind girl Emily (Cinzia Monreale) who has strange yellow eyes and roams around with her dog. She routinely plays creepy songs on the piano and tells Liza constantly to..."leave this place". We later learn she is some kind of ghost stuck in purgatory or something. Alrighty then. To go along with all of the madness you have a creepy maid who spends a lot of time in the basement lurking around and her creepy son who sniffs Liza's panties. This town is fucked up.The undead warlock Schweick keeps showing up in various places throughout the movie but he doesn't do much except if you go in his room. He doesn't like that. Wasn't he supposed to be the only one that could save us? Then you have the creepy ginger daughter of the dead plumber Joe. She doesn't have it easy in this movie. Her dad dies and then she gets to see her mothers face melt off in a scene that makes no sense but is pretty cool. The mom screams and next thing you know she's lying on the ground with acid dripping on your face and blood flowing everywhere. Did the warlock possess her? What the hell is going on here? After the funeral she ends up with yellow eyes just like the blind girl. Ok. In the end her face gets shot off by the doctor in one the best death scenes of the movie. Poor girl. After a few strange deaths and happenings Liza and Dr. John find themselves back at the hospital fighting a horde of zombies and eventually end up in hell. Purgatory? Your guess is as good as mine.

                                      Someone's going to need a face transplant.

This movie is just as "beyond" comprehension as the title suggests. Fulci does go into some surreal imagery and the movie ultimately takes on a dream like state or maybe bad acid trip, but it doesn't add anything to the movie except confusion. The plot makes very little sense and the ending makes even less sense. The acting is horribly wooden and the dialogue is just god awful. It is however good for some unintentional laughs. After a painter falls off a scaffolding early in the movie he deliriously exclaims..."the eyes, her eyes, the eyes." We got it buddy.....eyes. The camera work is ok but spotty at times and the lighting is no better. One saving grace may be the relentless gore. Most of the deaths are bloody and fairly well done. The best scene being when Emily gets her throat ripped out by her own dog. I guess the warlock possessed it? Buckets of blood flow as her neck is ripped out. Nice. Although the scene in which Liza's designer friend Larry (Anthony Flees) get's it is just pure comedy. The spiders that take him out are just way too fake looking and the scene goes on way too long. A few seconds less might have helped and this is coming from a major fan of gore. The other Thing I liked was the dream like and desolate landscapes. Everything seemed so empty and alone at times. The hotel, the hospital, and at the end you see real emptiness.

                            Emily isn't too happy here about something.

I really wanted to like this movie because of Fulci's other works but I just can't quite get there. It seems like the movie isn't sure where it's going. Is this stuff being made up as it goes along? Is it a zombie film, a film about death and hell, ghosts and possession, all of the above? For me it just doesn't work ultimately. You're left with far more questions than need be for any horror movie and almost nothing is explained. I would recommend this one to only die hard gore and horror movie fans. 2 1/2/5 skulls.

Movie Review: Piranha 3D

Gore connoisseur Alexandre Aja of High Tension and The Hills Have Eyes (remake) fame brings us his latest opus of blood, Piranha 3D. The film, as the title suggests, has 'prehistoric' piranhas as the death dealers in this horror story remake. The dormant piranha are released from their subterranean lake prison via an earthquake. It is explained later by the eccentric fish expert Henry (Christopher Loyd) that they must have been surviving in there underground lake for millions of years by cannibalizing each other.Ok, why not. The veracious horde of piranha then pour into Lake Victoria (Lake Havasu in reality) causing mayhem and horror for spring break party goers and townies alike. Few will survive and many will die. Not a scientifically plausible scenario, but does a horror movie need to be? The acting is decent and the gore is surprisingly excellent. I'm not a fan of CGI or 3D for the most part in horror movies, but it works well here with the death scenes more so than with the actual piranhas. But hey ,just go with it.


                            Red eyes? They found some weed maybe?

The film mainly follows Elizabeth Shue as the tough town sheriff Julie and her slightly emo and lovelorn son Jake (Steven R. McQueen) trying to stop and survive the onslaught respectively. Mrs. Shue is pretty good in her tough woman role, but she isn't on screen too much until the end where she is rescuing pedestrians from the lake and her children. I would've thought given her acting caliber that we would see more of her, but no. Maybe it was her gargantuan breasts that were distracting people. Who knows. Her son Jake played by Steven R. McQueen is ok as well. Nothing special here. He spends most of his time trying to pretend that he's not in love with his friend Kelly (Jessica Szhor). I must say her acting is mediocre at best. The role is kind of annoying and almost pointless. Just a plot device to have a love interest for the young buck Jake. He finally does man up near the end of the flick. So instead of pining for Kelly the whole movie he actually saves her from certain piranha death. Good job buddy. Adam (Novak Radzinsky) shows up kind of late in the movie as the lead seismologist investigating the eathquake and underground lake. He does a good job as a quasi hero and has a bit of charisma to go with it. Also we have the hilarious and intense Jerry O'Connell as Derrick Jones. He plays the over the top and slimy Wild Wild Girls director loosely based on Joe Francis. He enlists young Jake to show him around the lake on his boat while he films his two starlets Crystal and Danni. He has some pretty funny dialogue and he steals most of the scenes he's in. After he's eaten up from the waist down he exclaims "They got my dick" to Jake. Good stuff. The two porn starlets are quite sexy and pretty much half or fully naked the whole movie. Fine by me. The gorgeous Kelly Brook plays Danni, but doesn't have too much screen time. What time she does get she only exudes seduction. Ving Rhames as deputy Fallon also isn't on screen too much, but when he is, he lets those pesky flesh eaters have it. In a cool scene he takes the motor from a speedboat and starts tearing up some piranha in an effort to save dying teens.


                                   My boy Ving is going to do some choppin.

There are some fun cameo rolls by Richard Dryfuss of Jaws fame. He basically reprises his role from Jaws in the beginning of this movie. Even going as far as to sing "Show Me the Way to go Home" song before the piranhas make him lunch. Did he just need the money? Apparently famous producer convinced him to do the role for a higher salary which he then donated to charity. Next there is Eli Roth who plays the emcee of the wet t-shirt contest. He plays the role well as a typical douchebag with high powered water guns in hand(He's not in real life). He meets a gruesome end after the ensuing mayhem of a piranha attack and boat decapitates him. I love the fact that he's willing to do various cameo's in horror movies. Finally there is Christopher Loyd as Henry the local fish expert. Of course you need one of those in this movie. He plays his typical eccentric role here. Not too over the top and it's not overbearing.


         Crystal and Danni getting friendly with each other. This is half of the movie.

The CGI for the film is pretty good all around. Though I don't really care for the scenes were you see too much of the piranhas. The strictly underwater sequences stick out as not particularly great, but the creature design itself is pretty cool. However, the gore effects are actually surprisingly very good. So for fans of blood and guts, you will have plenty to keep your eyes busy. I particularly like the scene in which a girl gets her head stuck in a motor propeller. Her face and scalp are promptly ripped off. Sweet!

                            O'Connell getting taste tested by the little bugga's.

The plot line and scientific data here is paper thin and the editing can be a little choppy at times as well. Not a big deal because the film works on that basic level of an human ancient fear. What's in the water? It's a simple formula that can work well if executed properly though I think this film only half got it right. The soundtrack was probably the most annoying thing about the movie. We get it, it's supposed to be hip.......or something. Only problem is that it fails miserably. All in all not a good horror film, but not as bad as I was expecting. Due to the success of this film there is a second on coming. Maybe second times a charm. Feel free to watch it for some bloody fun, but don't expect to leave feeling extremely satisfied. Again, just have fun with it. On that level it works extremely well. 3/5 skulls my friends.